What is a narcissist? It is a pattern of grandiose self-importance and a lack of empathy, which typically begins in early adulthood. What are some of the behaviors that a person with narcissism exhibit? Brene Brown defines narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary.

• Narcissism is a trait that is positively correlated with insecurity.
• Exaggerate their achievements and talents. Brag. Have arrogance. Better-than attitude. Center of attention.
• Believe that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status individuals.
• Have a need for praise or admiration. They need to feel validation from others to boost their egos. Do we see this in social media?
• Have a sense of entitlement or unreasonable expectations of overly favorable treatment or expect automatic compliance with his or her expectations. Rules that apply to other people don’t apply to them.
• They exhibit controlling, manipulative behavior, always having their own needs come first.
• They don’t want to see your successes, and will never tolerate your successes being greater than theirs. This is toxic. Compare schadenfreude (pleasure or joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune).
• Narcissism is about dominance, power and control.

In all narcissism we tend to see the following things: lack of empathy, grandiosity, entitlement, superficiality, chronic validation seeking, arrogance, tendency toward rage, and a tendency to manipulate. There are different types of narcissism or different patterns. Two people with narcissism can be different in some ways.

The points above are just a few to start with, but there is more. How are narcissists behaving in relationships? People with NPD can be abusive. Here are some more traits.

• The narcissist never admits fault or takes responsibility for anything. They never say “I’m sorry”.
• Use gaslighting to make a survivor believe that their memories of events are inaccurate or blown out of proportion. They deny doing anything bad and may say that you are taking it too personally or being too sensitive.
• Shame victims about anything from their accomplishments to the previous trauma they suffered, insinuating they deserved it somehow.
• Often stay cool, calm and collected, sometimes even amused, when their partner is visibly distraught, because they actually do not care and they are not listening to you; they don’t want your opinion.
• Change the subject in conversations in order to evade any accountability

There is covert and overt narcissists. Taken to the next level, there are malignant narcissists. What would a malignant narcissist do? One thing is to use manipulation to silence you.

• Rather than acknowledge their own imperfections malignant narcissists and sociopaths opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting suspects in a way that is painful and excessively cruel.
• In a disagreement with you, rather than taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize anything and everything you say, making blanket statements. They may put a label on you that dismisses your perspective altogether.
• In relationships, narcissists do not like to be left. If you leave them, they will fight back.

Black and White – Splitting

Narcissists take a “mental snapshot” of you soon after they meet you, and from then on out they are interacting with that snapshot of you, even if you grow and change with your growth mindset. Have you met someone who sees people either as geniuses that she put on pedestals or they were completely terrible? Fixed mindset labelling. Perhaps they initially thought they were geniuses but then once they made any kind of mistake they were suddenly awful. One mistake and you’re done! Very judgmental. Also, they read an article and immediately they think that this is “gospel”, but if it comes from my mouth it is questionable.

Splitting (also called binary thinking, black-and-white thinking, all-or-nothing thinking, or thinking in extremes) is the failure in a person’s thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both perceived positive and negative qualities of something into a cohesive, realistic whole. It’s black and white thinking. It’s throwing the “baby out with the bathwater”.

Coping Strategies

Coping strategies include setting personal boundaries and gently walking away. Remember, not to take it too personally. The person with NPD treats everyone the same. Keep calm. Being around a narcissist is as unhealthy as being one yourself.

A Short List of the Signs

Here is a short list by Ramani S. Durvasula, who is on YouTube and wrote a book called Should I Stay or Should I Go? Here are a few “pillars” of narcissism. The person lacks empathy, feels entitled (expect special treatment), very grandiose (elevate their self-image), very superficial (focused on appearance and not so much about what’s on the inside), lack self-control of their emotions (have emotional outbursts), cannot take criticism (but they can dole it out). In Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s book, there are 30 signs of a narcissist. Some other signs are a tendency to be envious. They engage in gaslighting and they are not very loyal. have schadenfreude (pleasure from the misery of others)

Gaslighting

What is gaslighting? This happens when you say to someone that what you said hurt me. Then the gaslighter says that you have no right to feel that way, or they will deny that they said what they said to you. Gaslighting is denying your reality. Gaslighting does not prove that the person is a narcissist because it can be part of other things as well.

Narcissists are made, they are not born that way. It can be the fault of the parents, not that the parents are bad people. If a parent overindulges the child’s physical and superficial world (how they look, money, lifestyle) and underindulge their emotional world, you might be contributing to narcissism. You create a fixed mindset by constantly giving them credit for their achievements. What does underindulging their emotional world look like? As a parent you don’t really listen to your child. The parent essentially ignores their child. No empathy. No real conversation. Also, a child can learn narcissism by watching it in their parent or parents. Entitled behavior for example. These absent traits do not necessarily create narcissism in children.

Malignant/toxic narcissists are the worst kind of narcissist. What does that look like? When you first meet them they might be very successful, charming, charismatic, and confident. However they are manipulative, they can lie, cheat, and work the system to their advantage,

Learn with YouTube

Signs You’re Dating A Narcissist. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will always feel like you are not enough. Narcissists always want more to feed their low self-esteem and insecurity.

Mothers

Here’s a video on YouTube called You’re Not CRAZY – Your Mother is a Narcissist (10 Signs). Mothers should be supportive and nurturing. However, they may end up being your number one adversary. How? Narcissism. We do this exercise for better understanding.

1. She sees you as an extension of herself. She will want your choices to be what she wants. Control. Codependent.
2. She’s critical. All narcissists are critical. She has an opinion about everyone and everything. They position themselves as superior. She may passively aggressively criticize others in front of you to get the message to you. This is not empathetic.
3. She has toxic reactions. They are very defensive and stonewalling if you say anything she doesn’t want to hear; nothing is ever her fault. They cannot and will not truly look at themselves.
4. She lacks empathy, but may fake it to appear to be empathetic; she doesn’t really care about your feelings. If she suspects that she looks bad, she’ll make excuses (health problems etc) and then blame you for not being more understanding and empathetic yourself.
5. She doesn’t respect your boundaries; don’t take no for an answer; no respect for your preferences or privacy; manipulative comments like ‘honour and obey your mother’ or ‘good people don’t behave that way.’ She believes she has free reign over your life and you owe her for all she’s done for you. Manipulation. Guilt. Shame you.
6. She wears a mask; has public and very different private personas – public and private.
7. She believes that others are jealous (envious) of her. Genuine connection is difficult for narcissists.
8. She feels she is entitled and self-important; special; does things to attract attention quietly or overtly. Bragging to anyone who would listen.
9. She distorts your reality; she denies saying something or just calls you too sensitive; gaslighting; she doesn’t want genuine connection; she wants admiration, not connection (although she may say she wants connection); ego; supply; truly healthy conversations are not possible with a narcissist mother.
10. Odd facial expressions like eye rolls, smirks, eye flutters, signs of distain and disapproval of others; she truly thinks she is superior. .
11. As an extra comment… having a narcissistic mother as a child can lead to “people pleasing” as an adult

Here’s another YouTube video on narcissistic mothers. It’s called 8 Ways Narcissistic Mothers Neglect Affected Your Life as an ADULT/ Lisa Romano. Here are a few words used early on in the video. Unstable, anger issues, critical of you, defensive, cannot see herself, entitlement. Minimize, devalue, mock, put down in front of your family.

Another YouTube video by Dr Ramani. If you’ve had a narcissistic mother you may be experiencing these three things. First, self-doubt and people-pleasing. Never quite comfortable with yourself. Secondly – substance use, over-eating or over-spending. Thirdly you are vulnerable for becoming narcissistic yourself.

The Vulnerable Narcissist

Narcissists have a strong need to be in control, dominance, they have entitlement views, an element of superiority, and low levels of empathy. They want it to go their way. Vulnerable narcissists are more quiet, and introverted. They can be hypersensitive and emotionally delicate. They can be highly critical in their thoughts towards others along with a very negative viewpoint toward others and life. They make judgements on others (find flaws) to prepare for the time when perhaps the other person doesn’t like them and they will have an insult or put-down ready. They have a quiet smugness along with distain and condescension. If you say something clever or even informative, the vulnerable narcissist will brush it off as in error or unimportant. They hold themselves as superior and if you come along as someone “higher” react negatively. Number four, they have a constant need for reassurance. They go back and forth from asking for reassurance and then stating that they don’t care and your opinion doesn’t matter anyway, partly because people out there can’t be trusted anyway. Number five, they are passive aggressive. What’s that mean? They are non-conformists. They are not cooperative. They have non-response responses. You might think they are angry with you but they are just thinking inside that they don’t like you. Number six, they can go into sulking and even deep shut-down. “Ghosting”. Ignoring. Number seven. They have a victim mentality. Number eight is very poor listening skills. They seldom if ever ask you what’s going on in your life and lack interest in others. In social settings they tend to suck the emotional energy right out of the room. Number 10. They can be cynical about other’s successes. Inwardly they envy others and their successes (any good things at all). Self-sabotage is number 11. Number 12 is holding on to grudges for a long time. The vulnerable narcissist does not believe in the ability of others to learn and grow and be better. They are not able to accept your apology. They don’t want to because they prefer to hold your past sins against you to make themselves superior to you. Here’s a YouTube video that this vulnerable section is based on. It’s called The Baffling Vulnerable Narcissist: A 12 Point Checklist. It’s by Dr. Les Carter (psychotherapist).

The vulnerable narcissist is sullen (gloomy, resentful, silent), rude, resentful, victimized, passive aggressive, and angry at everyone. They are not charismatic or compelling like the grandiose narcissist.

The one word a narcissist can’t stand to hear from you: whatever. The #1 Word A Narcissist Absolutely Cannot Stand.

Here’s a YouTube video called “This Is How A Narcissist Is Created!” – Signs You’re Dealing With A Covert Narcissist | Dr. Ramani. At just over a minute in, the narcissistic person wants validation and they really don’t care about your feelings. That’s hard to get that fact into your head. If anything the narcissist is irritated that you are hurt because they have to deal with you and they may perhaps feel some shame so the narcissist yells at you and says you’re being too sensitive, and don’t be ridiculous, I didn’t say those things (gaslighting) and I wouldn’t have said those things. This validation the narcissist needs is something they crave and they can never get enough. Never satisfied. It’s likely they are not really happy, but they can be happy in a moment when things are going well. Narcissists are wounded in some way. Narcissists know how to be charming with the boss at work and go home and scream abusively at their wives. Narcissists are not flexible. They are not teachable. They are rigid and don’t think they need to change and they think everyone else is to blame. You can’t change them from being a narcissist to not being a narcissist. It’s not your job. Future faking is when the narcissist says they want to change and they will try to change, but never do. Narcissists may manipulate you by being “nice” at the beginning of a relationship and when they want something. Being nice could be a birthday present or valentine’s card.

What Do You Do?

This is based on the YouTube video Don’t Argue or Fight With a Narcissist… Do This Instead (#1 Narcissism Expert). Anyone can change. Anyone can develop a growth mindset. However, a narcissist won’t change because in almost all cases, they don’t want to change. Don’t try to change them. It won’t work. Let’s get back to the person who has a narcissist in their life. If you have a narcissistic parent, as a child you have become very flexible, and very accommodating, but it’s never enough for the narcissist. The child is a source of “supply” for the narcissist. Survivors of a narcissistic parent experience, self-blame (shame), self-doubt, confusion, anxiety, helplessness, frustration, powerlessness, trouble concentrating, lack of self-care, over-pleasing others, sense of loneliness, sense of isolation. Be aware that the narcissist won’t change. The only person that can provide hope is God. Step two, after accepting this, is grief. This is hard. It’s not fair when the narcissist finds another source of supply and does well. The victim will ruminate (think deeply about it) and that’s healthy but the point is that you need a solution. Rumination without a solution leads to depression. Perhaps you can write it down. What did the narcissist say and do? Write your “ick list”. This helps. What we lose is ourselves, who we really are and what we’re about. To heal from narcissistic abuse you need a year of time off away from this person. You may need to learn discernment and be more careful about the people that come into your life. You don’t need bad associations. If the narcissist is family and you must interact with them, be sure to book yourself down time right after. Enjoy. Read, exercise, shower, go for a walk etc.

In a family situation, with a narcissistic parent or parents, there are a few roles that children may assume. The first is the golden child. This child is the best source of “supply” (to the narcissist’s needs). The second role is the scape goat. There is always comparisons being made. Another role is the rescuer (fixer). This one is very helpful with duties to make peace. They have a lot of anxiety for making it better to appease the narcissistic parent(s). There is also the peacekeepers who are using their speech and reasoning to make peace. They are diplomats. They are also always anxious. There is also the invisible child. The final role is the truth teller role. It may overlap with the scapegoat. When the narcissistic parent dies, often we still stay in our roles and the family system is still difunctional.

If you have or have had a narcissistic parent, you are emotionally damaged. Nobody walks away unscathed. The vast majority of people develop significant anxiety. This includes self-doubt, asking if I am doing enough, and asking if I am enough.

Don’t Argue

A narcissist will want to devalue you, undermine you, criticize you, and invalidating you. Here’s what you don’t do: defend, engage, explain, or personalize. That’s DEEP. It’s from the YouTube video “When A Narcissist Tries To Manipulate You, SAY THIS…” (PROTECT YOURSELF!) | Dr. Ramani. Narcissistic people will always weaponize your vulnerabilities. They will use your weaknesses against you. They will remember and bring it up in an argument. Brene Brown talks a lot about being vulnerable. It’s good, but not with a narcissist. Set boundaries. A narcissistic parent may use their child’s imperfections (appearance, school, sports, social etc.) to manipulate them. The one being abused ends up with feelings of “not good enough” and “I don’t deserve” and “who am I to pursue my dreams”. A narcissist can plant seeds of doubt in you. They can say “go ahead and do that but do you think you are getting ahead of yourself?”. Don’t share anything with a narcissist. They will use all of it against you. Don’t share your wins, loses or vulnerabilities.

People stay in toxic relationships for reasons of hope (it will get better; it won’t!), fear (of the unknown if they leave; being alone), guilt (contrast vulnerable narcissism; you can’t leave the narcissist as they need help); and lack of information.

Empathy. Empathy is great. We need to have empathy, even towards the narcissist, but victims of narcissism can get fatigued. It’s called compassion fatigue. However, never give up your empathy entirely. It’s a quality that makes you a better person.

Leaving a narcissist can be messy. Painful. They will be sending you a lot of anger. When you are having an argument with a narcissist, they don’t pause they reload. There is even more vitriol coming your way. Don’t tell a narcissist that they are a narcissist. It won’t work. When reflecting, make it about behaviour, not judgement of the person (“he’s a bad guy”).

Your inner dreams and desires are yours. They are personal. Your values are yours. Sharing too much of those with a narcissist is dangerous for you.

Reactions and Grey Rocking

Here’s another video from YouTube called How your reactions become narcissistic supply. Grey rocking is stepping back and not engaging. Becoming like a plain ordinary rock. Appeasing. Narcissist will often complain that they were not treated well and it’s “absolutely disgusting, how dare they”. When they talk this way don’t engage. Don’t go on and on about how hard their life is and was. Try not to be surprised by the shocking things a narcissist says or does. They’re just being a narcissist. Say to yourself “whatever”. Be a little bit indifferent. Now the narcissist is not getting as much “supply”. Things will bother you. Consider talking with trusted friends or a therapist. Radical acceptance means to recognize the facts, this is how it is, and you change your expectations and you do not give the narcissist the ability to see your nervous system upticks (sympathetic) and showing surprise. Know that there is not a lot in this relationship.