Atlas of the Heart is a book by Brene Brown that was published in 2021 by Random House. You can get it at Amazon.ca in Canada or Amazon.com.

We all try to avoid feeling pain by perhaps causing pain and abusing power. Few people can handle being accountable without rationalizing, blaming or shutting down. To connect to our inner selves and to others we must understand how our emotions shape our thoughts and decisions. Also, from a psychology point of view, our thoughts shape our actions.

On page xxi of the book, Brene quotes a philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein saying “The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.” We need to be able to know and use the language of our emotions to express ourselves and become better people. Language is our conduit to meaning, connection, healing, and self-awareness. We need language to understand. Having the correct words to identify emotions makes us better able to identify those emotions. To that end, the book explores 87 emotions and experiences organized into groups.

From experience and observation, Brene recommends using an effective strategy for dealing with anxiety and pain that does not include substance abuse (alcohol, food or whatever). We need to be thinking and learning about ourselves, our emotions and our connection with others. To start really feeling is one of the hardest things Brene has ever done and continues to do, but worth it. These feelings make us feel vulnerable, but when we stop trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability we end up with more clarity in our lives, leading to better choices. As an example, we know that power is not bad. The abuse of power over others however is an attempt to maintain a very fragile ego. It’s a scramble of self-worth quicksand. Also, subjecting ourselves to that behavior in other is a sign of our own lack of self-worth. You can set boundaries. If you hold someone accountable for their bad behaviors, they may feel shame.

Atlas of the Heart’s Sections of the Book

A book I like regarding emotions is by Brene Brown called Atlas of the Heart. In that book there are several emotions and experiences described, each divided into sections. For example, one section is called comparison. What can happen when we compare ourselves to others? Comparison is not an emotion, but it can affect all kinds of feelings and our self-worth and relationships. Comparison can also distract us from our authentic goals. As Brene Brown says: “comparison says “Be like everyone else, only better”.

Places We Go When Things Are Uncertain or Too Much includes stress, overwhelm, anxiety, worry, avoidance, excitement, dread, fear, and vulnerability.

What follows from comparison, are things like admiration, reverence, envy, jealousy, resentment, schadenfreude (pleasure or joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune) and freudenfreude (the enjoyment of another’s success – a subset of empathy).

Another example from Brene Brown’s book is places we go when things don’t go as planned. Facets of this are, boredom, disappointment, expectations, regret, discouragement, resignation, frustration. Boredom is the desire to engage in satisfying activity, but not being able to do it. Disappointment and regret can range from mild discomfort to deep hurt.

Places we go when it’s beyond us. Awe, wonder, confusion, curiosity, interest, and surprise.

Places we go when things aren’t what they seem. Amusement, bittersweetness, nostalgia, cognitive dissonance, paradox, irony and sarcasm.

Places we go when we are hurting. Anguish, Hopelessness, despair, sadness and grief.

In her book she has a a section called places we go with others. This includes compassion, pity, empathy, sympathy, boundaries, and comparative suffering.

In her book she has a a section called places we go when we fall short. This includes shame, self-compassion, perfectionism, guilt, humiliation and embarrassment.

Places we go when we search for a connection includes belonging, fitting in, connection, disconnection, insecurity, invisibility and loneliness.

Places we go when the heart is open includes love, lovelessness, heartbreak, trust, self-trust, betrayal, defensiveness, flooding and hurt.

Places we go when life is good. Joy, happiness, calm, contentment, gratitude, foreboding joy, relief, and tranquility.

Places we go when we feel wronged include anger, contempt, disgust, dehumanization, hate, and self-righteousness.

Places we go when we self-assess include pride, hubris and humility.

Atlas of the Heart’s Selected Topics and their Definitions

Anxiety

The American Psychological Society defines anxiety as “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure. Anxiety can be both a state that you are in at the moment, or a trait, which is part of a person’s personality. We can feel anxious as a result of something, and some people are more disposed to feeling anxious than others due to their personality. Anxiety often leads to one of two coping mechanisms: worry or avoidance.

Worry is a chain of negative thoughts about bad things that might happen in the future. Avoidance is not showing up and often spending time and energy around the thing we fell is consuming us.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It’s uncomfortable and difficult, but vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.

Compassion

What’s the most effective way to be in connection with and in service to someone who is struggling, without taking on their issues as our own? Compassion is fueled by understanding and accepting that we’re all made of strength and struggle – no one is immune to pain or suffering. Compassion is not a practice of “better than” or “I can fix you” – it’s a practice based in the beauty and pain of shared humanity. Compassion includes an action. It’s not just a feeling. Pema Chodron, in her book, writes: “Compassion involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us… In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience – our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror…Compassion is a relationship between equals.”

The “action” part of compassion is not about finding a solution and making things better. It’s about truly knowing and understanding. If you really care for someone you might be thinking “fix it, fix it – stop the pain”, but perhaps we should be clinging to what we know and have learned, rather than act on what we are feeling at the moment. Compassion is not rescuing. Compassion is not pity. Pity feels isolating to one one being pitied. Pity involves a belief that the suffering person is inferior, does not include providing any help, a desire to maintain emotional distance, and an avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering. Pity is a “near enemy” of compassion.

God says “I Well Know the Pains They Suffer” Exodus 3:1-10. “…throw all your anxiety on him [God], because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6, 7.

Empathy is the most powerful tool of compassion, its an emotional skill that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding. Empathy has many benefits. Researchers Peter Paul Zurek and Herbert Scheithauer say empathy helps interpersonal decision making; facilitates ethical decision making and moral judgements; enhances short-term subjective well-being; strengthens relational bonds; allows people to better understand how others see them; and enhances prosocial and altruistic behavior. Brene says we need to dispel the myth that empathy is “walking in someone else’s shoes”… I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences.

Shame

Shame is the topic that perhaps we least want to discuss. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame says we are not enough. Shame is universal, except for those who lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. We seldom ever want to talk about shame, but the less we talk about it the more control it has over us. What are some examples of shame? Shame is flunking out of school, getting a DUI charge, or raging at my kids. Shame is the fear of disconnection. This fear says that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. Shame says: “I am unlovable. I don’t belong.” Shame is self-doubt and self-criticism. Shame becomes fear which leads to risk aversion which kills creativity and innovation.

Shame thrives on secrecy, silence and judgement. Empathy, however, is a hostile environment for shame. The antidote to shame is empathy. For example, if we reach out and share our shame experience with someone who responds with empathy, shame dissipates. Vulnerability and empathy can overcoming shame.

When we feel shame we may protect ourselves by blaming something or someone, rationalizing our shortcomings, offering an apology or hiding. Shame is a fixed mindset that inhibits meaningful change for the better. Shame also erodes courage and fuels disconnection and disengagement.

In your mind, try to separate the value of a person with their behavior and the results or outcomes of their efforts. We can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging and joy. As for behaviors, we are all imperfect and on a journey of constant learning, growth and change.

Perfectionism

There really is no such thing as being perfect. It’s an unattainable goal because we’re imperfect. We can however strive to be better. We can change. Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that we try to use to protect ourselves from feelings of shame, judgement and blame. Perfectionism wants to be perceived as perfect, but there is no way to control the perceptions of others. It’s a heavy burden to bear. It’s self-destructive. Perfectionism is addictive because when we do experience any shame, judgement or blame, we believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough and we need to work even harder. Perfectionism says “I’m not good enough”.

Guilt

Like shame, guilt is an emotion that we experience when we fall short of our own expectations or standards. Guilt says “I did something bad” whereas shame says “I am bad”.

Humiliation

Humiliation is the painful feeling that we’ve been unjustly degraded, ridiculed, or simply put down and that our identity has been diminished or devalued.

Curiosity

You can be a curious person and you can feel curious about something in the moment. Interest, however, is more of a state. You can be interested in something at a specific time. Curiosity seems to involve both thinking (cognition) and feeling (emotion), while interest is just about thinking. Curiosity can start with just a very mild interest in something and it can range up to a passionate investigation. Curiosity is recognizing a gap in our knowledge about something and becoming emotionally and cognitively invested in closing the gap through learning and exploration.

Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. We have to ask questions, admit to not knowing, risk being told that we shouldn’t be asking, and sometimes make discoveries that lead to discomfort.

Gratitude

Many of the emotions that are good for us – joy, contentment, and gratitude, to name a few – have appreciation in common. Gratitude is good for us physically, emotionally and mentally. Gratitude is correlated with better sleep, increased creativity, decreased entitlement, decreased hostility and aggression, increased decision-making skills, decreased blood pressure and more. With gratitude, we celebrate goodness and become greater participants in life, and not just spectators or observers. What really is gratitude? Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.

Pride and Hubris

Pride is a feeling of pleasure or celebration related to our accomplishments or efforts. Some level of pride is good. It’s healthy. Some people call this authentic pride. You can feel proud of yourself and others. It’s possible to be too proud. Have you ever been too proud to accept help?

Hubris is an inflated sense of one’s own innate abilities that is tied more to the need for dominance than to actual accomplishments. It’s negatively correlated with self-esteem and positively correlated with narcissism and shame-proneness. Dominance is a status that is coerced through aggression or intimidation. When you observe hubris it feels terrible, but the person experiencing hubris it feels good. They feel puffed up and superior, even if their speech and actions are not received well by others. They don’t care what others think. Narcissism is the shame-based fear of being ordinary.

Humility

Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balanced and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections and opportunities for growth. I would not completely agree with this statement, unless we simply took out “imperfections”. Humility is not downplaying yourself or your accomplishments. Humility allows us to admit when we are wrong. Intellectual humility refers to a willingness to consider information that doesn’t fit with our current thinking. You can have conviction and resolve and still be open to listening to other points of view. Humility is not a weakness, it is a strength. In fact, humility is key to grounded confidence and healthy relationships.